A mother recounts a late-night conversation with her 14 years old daughter about porn which she considered as a defining moment in their relationship. It was at 2 AM when the 14 years old girl woke up her dad and mom, seemingly in a tense state clutching her iPhone in her hands. She cried and said,”mom, I’ve to tell you something”.She stood like as if she were a sinner. Seeing the girl’s anxiety, Amelia, the mother’s heart was filled with so many doubts including pregnancy, drug abuse or maybe some other serious troubles. While Amelia’s thoughts took its serious route, her daughter handed over the iPhone. Amelia wondered as her girl had never given the phone before let alone touch it. She eagerly checked the phone but didn’t find anything to be fiery in it. Amelia asked, “whats this?”For this question, the teenager avoiding eye contact with her mother, said in a shivering voice,”I’ve been watching porn and the FBI has tracked me.”Amelia’s mind completely freaked out but she didn’t. Taking a calm stance Amelia checked the legal writings from the link her daughter got and confirmed it was spam. Before all the topics that a fourteen-year-old daughter talks with a mom like periods, sex, online safety, respecting her body, drugs and alcohol, helping friends, this topic appeared silly to Amelia. But on thinking seriously it got many dimensions of teenage insecurities and the gender bias dominant in society.
Amelia Miller, a guest writer in the Huffington Post explains in her article about understanding the teenage minds whether its a boy or a girl. She undoubtedly says that these type of tricky subjects should not be discussed with your children once but every time you get a chance to talk about it. Amelia is 17 now, much more secure and bolder than she was before. But as a mother when Amelia looks back, she understands that the boldness in the decision that her daughter has got now is the result of her daughter’s understanding of herself. As a mother, Amelia played her part well in having an open and honest communication with her daughter. But she recollects that the discussion on porn was never on her mom radar. She had not then discussed the issue of porn with her daughter or her son who was at the puberty stage then. That late night incident changed everything.
When Amelia’s teen daughter confronted her with the ‘FBI dilemma’, she shot many questions with her which made sure that her daughter had not talked to anybody else about this and that she had not posted her nudes online. Her daughter was attracted to both men and women, thats all and watched videos of adults having sex and she was not a paedophile either. Amelia gently consoled and said to her daughter not to get tensed as it was all part of the natural curiosity during that age. She assured that the spam message would not cause any harm to her and that FBI had better things to do than arresting porn watchers.
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Boys and girls, both are humans and both have sexual curiosities. Amelia recounted the puberty age of boys when they start telling explicit stories from just pictures. The ‘naughty things’ are said to be boys’ prerogative and boys watching porn is seen as a common instance. But the culture never expects that from girls. The real need of the hour is an inclusive sex education to girls as well as boys. Amelia says that they should know the difference between Love and mere sex. Hopefully, she says that her daughter is aware of that and she is very selective and cautious in her relationships.
How to deal with teenagers?
1. The discussion about porn between Amelia and her daughter helped in improving their relationship. So hear out your kids patiently, then they will start spending more time with the family, join with you in games, go with you for movies and discuss with you even the selection of their friends.
2. Free or payment porn available in the websites does not depict a healthy, loving, respectful interactions or relationships. Some kids understand that later, but some will think that to be the true lovemaking. Here only the mother or father can interfere and tell them the difference between Love and Lust.
3. Make your teenage kids develop self esteem, make her/him know themselves better. Then only they can understand the people who value them. In kerala’s social condition the bossy style of parentship by certain parents is gonna do more harm than any good.
4. At the age of 14 itself, parents should talk openly to their kids(both boys and girls)about the insecurities including the sexual ones. This discussion will help them in better undersatnding of life and people.
5. Your parentship can be deemed healthy when the kids are able to articulate their ‘fears about agonizing pains’ like a love relationship, masturbation, sexual attraction, porn etc.
6. Along with Explanation about ‘good touch and bad touch’, equal importance should be given to proper sex education.
7. When a girl child asks sexual doubts don’t intimidate her and say to hush up. Hear it patiently, correct her and tell her the real thing to make her able enough to understand lies.
8. Teenage is a time of torture and drama, so better hear it from the heart and solve it with a grown-up wisdom.
Amelia’s daughter is a grown-up girl now and with the wisdom of her mother and her experiences, she has understood her uniqueness and aware of those who understand it. Thats what every teenager needs, understanding the self and a caring family to support.
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