Many consider sorry and please ‘magic’ words simply because they can transform situations – be it by pacifying the recipient, strengthening a bond, or managing relationships. In addition to being polite and respectful, effective communication emphasizes its frequent but genuine use in establishing rapport. As children navigate through their growing-up years, ‘sorry’ holds a special significance for them.
Growing up is often seen as a process of learning how cause and effect work and managing relationships can be an intricate process. During their formative years, children interact with their family, teachers, friends and even strangers. As a child matures and learns social skills, perspectives, opinions and misunderstandings pep up these years. Children learn to regulate their emotions through experience over time. If children are encouraged to apologize and move on, it is possible to mitigate the negative consequences of some of these misunderstood scenarios.
Children in the early years are often self-centered, putting themselves at the center of every situation, not realizing that their actions may hurt others (this is more of a developmental milestone and will subside with time). Because they are unable to fathom the severity and impact of their actions, they tend to resist apologizing for their actions. In order to protect themselves, children simply react. They are not intending to ‘hurt’ anyone. They consider this an act of normalcy, like stealing a toy from another child or pushing another child who is in line. Educate children about their feelings, appropriate behaviors and how to build relationships since their world is about them.
The primary years are the time for children to experience more, and they naturally become more aware of the results of their actions as they get older. By watching the adults around them, they tend to use the word more often to ‘mend’ the situation. They recognize the need to ‘adapt’ and ‘mold’ themselves in conformity with norms that will receive praise and recognition. Since social interaction principles are primarily learned through exposure and conditioning, children are better equipped to handle social interactions during middle and high school.
In order to become the polite, sensitive, aware, and amicable adults we all wish to see in our students, it is crucial to set a solid foundation, develop communication over time, and provide timely intervention. Students need mentorship from those who nurture them in school and at home as the ‘seniors’ who set the example.
A few tips:
Modeling behavior: Children observe everything around them silently, and the best way for them to see adults apologize is by looking at them often. When an adult apologizes in public for speaking rudely to a housekeeper or to a fellow teacher, kids learn that mistakes can be rectified through acts and actions in a way that builds a stronger bond. It is therefore very important for children to know that they can adopt a similar approach when faced with similar circumstances.
Cinema: Watching films which convey this message (there are lots of children films about this) together with your children and talking about how the relationships became stronger due to the apology is another great way of communicating with the children without being threatening. Many well-intentioned adults tend to ‘lecture’ and children tune out amidst the plethora of instructions they receive every day, and audio-visuals serve as an effective reminder of protocols. Post-film discussions are important communication channels because they help point out ‘facts’ that are important for them to know.
Book reading: This component is crucial at any age. Books are excellent tools for expressing and role-modeling appropriate behavior for children, and related writing about situations that they encountered can help them self-analyze.
Journals: Encourage children to tell about difficult situations they encountered, how they reacted, and what the consequences might have been if they had said sorry instead of expanding the problem! As an exercise and tool, reflection helps children ‘think back’ and analyze their choices, especially during their primary years. Raising balanced children is a true learning milestone. Children tend to ‘forget’ things and unless they are reminded to write them down and discuss them with their parents, they will never learn the art of reflection. In this case, the adults can help the children to make amends (without judgment) by apologizing. It creates a dialogue with them.
Social media: There are a lot of positive quotes, stories, and images about relationships on social media. Telling children about how someone overcame a certain situation will encourage them. Motivational, positive, and gets them to think about ‘solving’ problems as well as ‘accepting’ that everyone has them!
Rewards: Use words liberally when it comes to rewards, and don’t limit them to materialistic ones. Praise the children when they behave appropriately and mend relationships! It is perhaps the most underused of all communication strategies — as adults, praise is usually reserved for academic or co-curricular performance, but it’s time we extend this to behaviors and skills that build relationships. Tell your child that you are proud of them in an email, a letter, or a card.
Read more: ‘History in the Making’: The Centre informs SC of the arrival of women in NDA
Rather than just saying ‘sorry,’ communication and mentoring students remain focused on building relationships. In order to do so, kids need to understand that mistakes happen, and these mistakes can result in anger, aggression, or trauma for the ones at the receiving end. The key is to salvage these moments, so that they can be better experienced and closer bonds formed. Demonstrating this to them, standing by their side as they try, or pointing it out to them when they are unaware is sometimes the best way to create happier children!
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