You’ve probably heard the old adage ‘silence is golden’. Is this true, though, when it comes to a marriage? Most psychologists say it depends on the situation.
When silence is used as a control tool to exert power in a relationship, it becomes toxic, unhealthy, and abusive. However, if being silent merely means taking a break to think things through and then returning to the topic later, it can be different.
When it comes to relationships, there are instances when being silent is appropriate and even beneficial. A couple, or even just one partner, might, for example, take a thoughtful break from a heated debate to cool off or collect their thoughts.
US couple Francis and Rose celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. They were so happy and they never had any fight in their life. From the time of their marriage, Rose had held a box and told Francis not to open it. Celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary Francis asked Rose to open the box, as he wanted to know what was kept in it, hiding from his eyes for 60 years! Rose gave the key and Francis opened the box and found a doll knitted with wool and 9000 dollars. He was perplexed and went on to question his wife why she had kept this hidden for so many years. She replied that when she got married her mother gave a strange advice to stitch a doll whenever she felt angry with her husband. Francis was so happy hearing this and he proudly said ‘For over 60 years you got angry to me only a single time, what a great husband I am, isn’t it Rose’. She replied with a smile ‘The 9000-dollar cash, I earned it by selling the dolls I made after each fight I had with you ‘
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There’s often a long debate whether it’s good to cut off and take time away from your partner or is it better to stay put and work things out when something goes wrong. Different people have cracked the code of what works best for them when it comes to coping with their relationships. As a result, there is no sure-fire method of knowing which is the superior option right now. The thing with the silent treatment is that, when done right, it may provide a lot of benefits. It all relies on how, when and why it is used.
Shweta learned the benefits of silent treatment in her relationship with Rohit. That seemed to be the only way she could deal with her hot-tempered boyfriend, who was a gem at heart. When Rohit became enraged, though, it was pointless to try to reason with him. Shweta usually chooses to remain silent. When Rohit went off the rails on a date or even on the phone, she just kept her mouth shut and waited for him to calm down.
‘I understood that if I started talking as well, we’d get into a heated fight and the situation would spiral out of control,’ Shweta explained, adding, ‘I realised the benefits of silent treatment in dealing with Rohit. He would naturally cool down if he didn’t get a response from me. Then return the favour and even apologise.’
As you can see, silent treatment can be beneficial in certain instances if it is used to relieve tensions rather than as a control technique. So, the answer to the question ‘Does the silent treatment work?’ is a resounding yes. It’s critical to understand when and how to apply the silent treatment, as well as how long the silent treatment should endure, to employ it correctly and get the full benefits of the psychology behind it.
Long periods of silence in a relationship, where a spouse does not speak for days on end can be traumatic. This is known as stonewalling which is completely inappropriate. But a little silent treatment isn’t that bad if you’re upset and you want to show your partner.
In a relationship, the key to administering silent treatment is to manage and balance it precisely. While you want to detach and let the terrible feelings pass, you also don’t want to do irreversible harm to your partner.
The silent treatment is a conflict solving tactic, not an ego battle. This approach must be used correctly to avoid causing more harm than good. Dissociating isn’t always a terrible thing if you set the correct boundaries and have good reasons for it.
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